| [ Record 015 ] |
[06 Jul 2007|12:58am] |
It has been two months and four days since I last updated this journal. The secret agency I worked for is no more, however, I did manage to salvage what files were left of the agency and my suit. I recollect packing my things, but what happened then after is hard to explain. Whether that whole place was real as a dream can be, or whether the fact I was extremely fortunate to have survived the incident, is beyond all explanation. It was after that incident that I remember packing my things, how I got back onto the main land is beyond me. My existence is still surrounded in mystery. I cannot seem to fathom who I used to be and how I could do those things.
It doesn’t matter how, or why… but whatever government facility kept me there, seems to have spared my life and given me back to the mainstream society from whence I came. That is how I ended up here. And the fact of the matter is, all those files that I salvaged, don’t seem to hold any significance. The island kalkyou, isn’t on the radar, or any mainstream maps. As far as anyone can tell, there isn’t such a place. But, the proof of which I still have, in the back of my mind somewhere I knew everything that happened there, the names of the people, the creatures that I have come to discover… all vanished. Am I the one who need psychiatric treatment?
In any case, I have landed myself in the middle of nowhere, and with my lion, whom I unfortunately could not take with me, I feel even lonelier than I have ever been. I have no sense of direction. And being fresh out of the military, per say, there is no record of my existence in any military file; there is no turning back. Yet, how can I know the things that I do that no mundane person should know? The suit is still with me though, it is functional; I can still use it. The fact being having built it and bringing it here to Florida… would there be any use for it now? The direction I have chosen to go in is college. It is my only answer.
Perhaps, I may find my answers out here…
… the answers to who I am… and if gundams really exist.
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| [ Record 014 ] |
[02 May 2007|10:34pm] |
It has been a while, hasn't it? I had sustained injuries that required hospitalization due to an unexpected events following, which has led to my long absence. Since my return home, I have been immersing myself in work, it's high profile, classified, top secret information. I am afraid I cannot say anything more related, however, I can assure you it is for the greater good. I am afraid I have become some-what of a workaholic, closing myself off from the outside world has never been more painful and lonely. The young man in a related incident had often visited me, we had played music together, I in the hospital bed and him at my bedside, playing flute and violin. I haven't seen him since then, which has left me lonely for his company. Strangely enough, I feel as though we have met before.
In any case, out of the darkness, pain and loneliness, emerges a solider...
... fully armed and ready for anything.
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| [ Record 013 ] |
[10 Mar 2007|02:49am] |
A crack down on drug trafficking and under age prostitution; I feel there is more out there that meets the eye. Since the start of this job, I have been feeling quite liberated and strong. But, however, it has been keeping me busy. Not that I mind. It’s what I need. I feel I am doing more than my fair share. It’s late and I just got home. I am calling it a night. Just so you know… I am still around, still living… and doubting, perhaps a little, but not enough to stop me otherwise. And as for the existence of the name ‘heavyarms’, I now know the existence of what is called a Gundam.
As a special operative, something very similar is being made.
Something similar, but not quiet as big.
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| [ Record 012 ] |
[12 Feb 2007|08:38am] |
There have been way too many changes’ happening all at once for me to keep up with, but step by step the walk through is simple: I met a young man, his name Sousuke Sagara and the only common ground I have come to find we both share are the similarities of our existence, what he said resulted in my reverting in sought of a purpose. This results in my severing ties with the one person who had filled the void. It was a simple letter, quite cowardly… but I feel that by dreaming about the missing connection and severed ties of the past life, I may have found something within myself to give me courage to carry on.
The concept of loneliness doesn’t affect me as much, but… one thing that concerns me, is that when I woke up from the dream, I found a single strand of blond hair on me. It’s baffling. Does love honestly… surpass time and places, altering in reality as they often claim? For the most part, I have never believed in love. But, that dream, despite the figure being seen, unnamed, he came with a voice I am sure I heard at some point in my life. And ever since waking up from that dream, I haven’t felt as lonely as I had been for many months since upon arriving here at Kalkyou. I come to terms and made my peace. It’s time to take two step forwards and one step back.
Heres to you… my lover, wherever and whoever you are…
… I hope we find one another soon.
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| [ Record 011 ] |
[21 Jan 2007|01:21am] |
This world is truly a strange place; I cannot seem to shake this feeling of admiration for what happened to me. Why admiration? For his conviction and abrupt cause of my near death experience, it was safe to say that I have outwitted death once again, though by a thin margin… and it was all thanks to Kage, really. By the time I came too, I had no recollection of what had gone on a moment before, or even after. It’s all but a blurred haze at this point. The guy I have admiration for, is of the undead. Sadly, he came, took a bite out of me and left. I don’t have a clear recollection of what went on. Did I managed to … fend him off, or was my ‘death’ swift and precise for a reason.
I am in debt to Kage, I feel I owe him so much more.
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| [ Record 010 ] |
[29 Dec 2006|04:01pm] |
Lately, I have been feeling quite lonely; this three story house is practically empty with my roommate being the only thing to keep me company. A lion and a king size bed with one to share it with. Since that time, I haven’t been able to shake this feeling of need. It isn’t anything that I have ever experienced before. But, since I don’t have any friends, I have spent this Christmas alone. Save the one gift given to me was from the one person I hadn’t expected anything from. Earrings from Kage; I am thankful and the note with it, has me waiting with anticipation.
In a way, thought I doubt my perspective on the situation isn’t the same as his, I don’t feel I need to be emotionally attached, but just the feeling of being taken over by someone... is an overwhelming feeling so desperately sought out. It’s a feeling of exhilaration and unbelievable power and vulnerability. To have someone so close and at a safe distance away… is probably the best intimate part of life and maintains the mystery of one or the other. That’s my perspective anyway. By being used to get used to the thought, doesn’t matter. Speaking of what matters.
My New Years resolution is getting back into shape…
… I’ll be working out more often.
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| [ Record 009 ] |
[08 Dec 2006|12:25am] |
He said it was going to hurt in one place, wouldn’t you know it, he wasn’t kidding. I’d assume it would be an acquired taste. Strange as it may sound, I wouldn’t mind encountering him again. I could have gone without the vulgarity upon being introduced. I’d assume that kind of thing would have a certain kind of flare. Letting bygones, be bygones; the only thing that keeps haunting me is the reasoning. In a way, I feel strangely connected to him, but that is only because we share common ground. That ground being the only thing that had me stay the night, to share a bed with him. It wasn’t love, in fact, that doesn’t apply here. I am not sure what love is, because I have never experienced it in my entire life. But, do any of us even know the true meaning of what love is? I believe it is… non-existent.
People tend to label things to distinguish it from everything else. It’s… not really fair. As much as I’d like this to make sense, this world… I realize, doesn’t make sense in the very least. It is just as mad as he is. Or maybe, I am the one who’s mad? Not entirely sure. This whole island is doomed to failure. But, people hurt people to get what they want, why should he be shunned for what he did. I accepted it, self-sacrificing my body in order to preserve whatever he wanted, in a way I was hoping it would… it would prevent him from hurting anyone else, the way he had hurt me. He seemed rather apologetic after the incident… after I accepted. I have … never shared a bed with anyone before. It was nice. I liked it… His name is… Kage.
It was the next morning that got the better of me. I left; I left as soon as I could. His face… and the incident has been… weighing on my mind ever since.
Can I truly stop him from hurting … anyone else?
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| [ Record 008 ] |
[14 Oct 2006|03:03pm] |
It has been quite sometime since I’ve updated this on-line journal, but within good reason. I am still going through a transgression of upsetting things. Some of which I cannot begin to fathom and it is only now that things have been piecing themselves together. I think I am about the only left who seems to know what it is that I was born to do. And yet, what war is there to fight here? Why do I feel like I have this sense of duty within to … blow something up? Peculiar. It seems strange to have had that discussion with Wufei that day. But, it also seems logical, though I am sure our beliefs may differ, I have a feeling that he might be right on this one.
'We should hang out more often' was the last thing I distinctively said...
... but I am sure not if he heard me in all honesty.
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| [ Record 007 ] |
[16 Aug 2006|05:38am] |
Seems that I have become quite the commodity at the local park down the road, I have seen and met several people. Names of which still fresh in my memory, now I have a few faces to fit with those names, but it still doesn’t make any sense these images that over take my visual states from time to time. Dream mostly. And it was strange; the person’s face really did not match the face I felt who actually my sister was. To me, I no longer have any blood relatives. It has been years since I’ve seen anyone! In any case, I couldn’t sleep and thus averted my attention on taking a nice walk early this morning. To be honest, I didn’t get far; I had to stop at seeing a young Asian man no more than my age, practicing Tai Chi. He seemed surprised that I knew the form of which he practiced. Why? I am not entirely sure. Maybe it isn’t as distinguishable as other forms of martial arts are. But, I knew.
Hmm…? Images, lots and lots of images caused a migraine, or a headache of the sort? Why I am not surprised? That has been happening a lot recently. I should probably see a doctor about adjusting my medication. Even now, having come back from that walk around the park, my head is still pounding. Like a part of me is forcing myself to remember what it cannot recollect, what it is that I am supposed to remember? I can’t stand this feeling of not knowing, yet, you feel you know something you ought to know but, never know what is truly is about. Wow, that truly did not make a bit of sense did it? I believe I am just tired. I probably should try and take a catnap, but not before feeding my friend. He is currently prancing back and forth like a lost kitten. Hey, I probably should go back to the park later on this week. Perhaps I shall meet the same people I did!
A couple of new faces are added to the list… Jonouchi Katsuya and Chang Wufei, the name of which still causes my head to throb with familiarity!
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| [ Record 006 ] |
[11 Aug 2006|12:05am] |
Tonight, I find I am not able to sleep as soundlessly as before. The dreams keep reoccurring and more eerily stronger than before. I have seen local doctors whom prescribe mood stabilizers, thinking that maybe I am stressed and over exert myself. But, I do not see anything real stressful and anything that causes me to over exert myself. Other than the dreams themselves, this could count as a fatality, if anything. Maybe it is the exertion of my own body, which lacks the means of muscle mass that it needs to be acrobatic, I have been pushing myself a lot in that regard. Other than that, there isn’t any real reason to be of concern of my own mental state, over than self torment.
Back on the subject of reoccurring dreams, this dream in particular portrays me being involved in an explosion of some sorts. The sad part thing about it is that I really do not recollect anything beyond the explosion itself. Did I die? Then again, death has been nipping at my heels lately, thus I believe somehow, someway, I survived. But, why did this dream feel so real? It was a big blue machine; I was managing it because I had no other choice. The reason is beyond me. I felt I had to protect… something, someone, somehow. My lips were moving, but the words … I don’t remember speaking. Why am I dreaming about him and a large red machine of similar design to the blue?
Quatre was there, I remember him calling out my name before the explosion, it was so… vivid. And just when I dreamt of exploding, I woke up to a startling discovery that something HAD exploded just outside my bedroom window. My house maybe at the top of the hill, but it has a clear view of the shoreline and upon investigation I find that there is this rare anomaly of green lights. I don’t recollect seeing anything other than this large flash of green. It was strange, but I do remember seeing water, lots of it foaming about the shoreline. I believe my furry friend seen it too. He seemed a bit edgy after that incident, but thinking nothing of it, well… what is there for me to do other than find comfort within his company?
I am positive however, that I am not the only one who saw this…
… Night life anomaly; strange things are known to happen… I am told.
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| [ Record 005 ] |
[03 Aug 2006|02:48am] |
Allan Walker and Duo Maxwell, the only two names that I know of by face; and the additional face that follows, a very kind hearted blonde boy named Quatre. Strange the connection I feel to him is very strong, yet, I cannot understand the meaning of it all. It must be the connection that I have with the names Duo Maxwell and Heero Yuy, but not as strong as that. I feel … the explanation I am trying to give is beyond words. It is bothering me. As we conversed, I laughed. He made me smile. Normally, under any other circumstance, I don’t laugh like that. Not as whole-heartedly as I did, not freely and without criticism. It usually takes a bit more effort, but with Duo and Quatre, it seems to come… naturally. As I said, it is beyond words.
In an effort to make myself known, I went to the park in hopes to find familiar faces. In the end, the only face that I have become accustomed to seeing majority of the time is my over sized furry friend. I got tired of practicing what I’ve come to know as my latent acrobatic ability, discovered through an incident that happened quite a while ago. I almost got hit by a vehicle if you recall. But, much to my amazement, I managed to escape injury due to this new found ability, latent, but better late then never. It was pretty close. Really close; it was a close call, as I remember, that is how Duo and I met. But, I haven’t seen or heard from him since the last time we spoke. I wonder how he’s doing.
Being wealthy has its quirks… and it appears, I may have everything, but I am not necessarily happy. I have a big house on top of the hill to myself and no one else to accompany me in it other than my furry friend. I wonder if he scares the neighbors much, why they don’t want to come over. He is pretty much harmless, unless you rub him the wrong way, which is to say, is pretty rare. It is a worst case scenario and I am the worst case, I am assuming? I am just glad I don’t have to work like everyone else. But, the down side is that you live such a lonely life. I should be used to it by now.
Somehow, I feel something is missing in my life…
… maybe even someone, I don’t know.
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| [ Record 004 ] |
[29 Jul 2006|01:30am] |
Sometimes ago, I had gone out to gallivant around the island to get myself acquainted with the sites. And I seem to have made the acquaintance of young man named Kaiba Seto. We had very little to say. He was just at the right time, at the right place I suppose. I have wondered about him, he seemed rather interesting, to say the least. Speaking of acquaintances, I also met a violinist and shop keep. He is soft-hearted. I am a little concerned, however, that our duet caused him to shed tears. I do not know whether to take them as a compliment, or just bad timing. I purchased a flute from his shop recently. My friend sure likes the tunes I play, it puts him to sleep like the kitten he is known to be.
In any case, I am going to be going to the local park again. And strangely enough, I’ll be bringing my friend with me, if it isn’t illegal to have a large cat in the facility of playgrounds. I am sure children of all ages will enjoy a ride or two on the back of a large lion. If they do not pull his tail, he’ll be fine. Lately, he hasn’t been eating a lot of meat. And I haven’t been out lately since the incident between Quatre and I; it just startled me, it made me realize a natural feeling that just being myself was alright. So, since I haven’t been out and about, which obviously is affecting my roommate as well, we are going to the park tomorrow. Maybe by chance, I will see that braided fellow again.
This is the first I have ever been in a slump…
… And it just confuses me; I don't want to feel this way.
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| [ Record 003 ] |
[04 Jul 2006|10:52pm] |
The storm has me worried and it has me doubt that the foundation on which my home was built is even strong enough to with strand the foreboding events to occur. However, I am eternally grateful for the companionship found in a fiercest of all creatures known to the jungle. Even so, his company is not enough to stop the reoccurring nightmares that have constantly ransacked my mind recently, it has started innocently enough since my arrival here in Kalkyou, but the dreams have become vivid and detail for detail I have the strange feeling that whatever I dreamt about happened before.
Waking up in cold sweat was the last draw for me, which gave me the chills, quite literally. And I had at one point, heard the spoken words consist of: “I told you before; the only way to live a good life is to act on your emotions.” That is what he told me and I remember the dream detail from detail, but I have no name for the face I saw in my dream. Even when I attempted to make sense of it, it was like my mind was forcing me to forget something I felt was important to me. This person was quite influential; I know that for a fact; not only to me but everyone else around him.
Everything he ever done was always well thought out and completely through.
How would I know that exactly? A gut feeling; yet, after I woke, I took a hot shower to relax and wrapped myself in a thick towel and a blanket. My companion took note in my appearance, he knew something was wrong and hopped up onto the bed and coiled himself around me in an attempt to help preserve body heat; coiling tail and all. Regardless of what you think of my so called pet beast, you have to remember that only beasts bare their fangs at enemies- they are, as a proven fact, true to their feelings and atone to those they care about. Now, to be quiet honest, my friend and I haven’t known one another very long.
We slept, him coiled about me like a stuffed plush toy. You know, when people in life cannot be depended on. Animals in some form or another can. And it looks like he and I will be spending a lot of time together, until this storm blows over. I have to occupy self with a book and him with his cat like playful reflexes. Speaking of reflexes, Allen, if you are reading things, let me know if you are okay. We have only met, but of course, I worry about you. I have an idea that may very well intrigue you, because who knows when this storm is going to last.
Might as well storm with it by brainstorming and plan something…
… something regarding out get together to bring smile to peoples faces.
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| [ Record 002 ] |
[02 Jul 2006|09:12pm] |
This place is made up of false happiness, it makes me uneasy. Since my arrival, I have been conducting an investigation and feel that there’s more to this island that meets the eye. I feel as though I am constantly being monitored. I am not sure if this place called Kalkyou is even real to me. It is an overwhelming feeling that his place not only promoted false happiness, but something too good to be true. And that is something I have a hard time trusting, anything too good to be true, always turns out that it is never good for you. These instincts I follow are leading me around Kalkyou from one place to another and thus far, have met interesting people.
Since there has been a hurricane warning, I have been trying to tie up loose ends. There are boxes with my belongings out on my front lawn, so I have been bringing the boxes inside- I have been doing that all weekend. I highly doubt a large tarp would protect the articles of belongings from being taken a mile away. However, the storm has only motivated me to move things from being stored under a tarp on the front lawn, to somewhere more secure. This has kept me busy on the weekend. My friend has been limited indoors, which would no doubt have us both going a little squirrelly. I myself shall begin with our preparations until the events to come.
Seeing that everything is in order, for now, I shall explore Kalkyou a little more. The evening is still young. I had at one point, passed by a small shop that sold musical instruments which has peaked my curiosity and having played an instrument in high school, I believe it is time to rekindle myself with the instruments I have once known to play. It would be nice to get around meeting new people around here. So far, I have met two wonderful people, which I have no doubt shall and will become good friends. Some of which I have something in common with, I hope the few days left before the storm hits proves to be productive and worth while.
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| [ Record 001 ] |
[27 Jun 2006|12:50pm] |
For someone who had led a pretty quiet and simple city life, I sure got tired of that fast. My sister, Catharine and I lost touch of one another for sometime. She left home before I did. After I left, I never heard or seen her again. It is by choice, to get away from the things that reminded me so much of a childhood I, for the life of me, cannot recollect; she’s been the only one, but I find that is not enough. It’s a haunting feeling to not know where you belong and constantly feel so lost. Having moved to Kalkyou a few weeks ago, I find this feeling of belonging haunts me even more.
Kalkyou is a beautiful place, no doubt about that. But the moment I moved here, I had this feeling that I’m constantly being watched, even now. My head hurts every time I feel as if I am remembering something, but cannot clarify the meaning as to why I am remembering, or why it is that I feel a strong connection with. The fact remains, that I almost got hit by an on coming car; almost, like a dear caught in head lights and suddenly in a blur I am standing upright wondering where this new found ability to narrowly escape death came from. Though, I felt as I have done it millions times before.
The braided boy I met caught sight of this, he reminded me of an old friend- but during the time I have been growing up, I never had many friends. It left me bewildered. Even the name of his boyfriend left me wondering why I held the name in such high regard. But, seeing that I am talking about friends- I have reminded myself that I did not necessarily move to Kalkyou on my own. Many people before have found my taste of friends peculiar, this one in particular. I really do not have a use for a guard dog or a domestic cat with this guy around.
... I have a large fridge full of raw meat for him; he lives in my backyard.
Speaking of which, I believe he is hungry; it’s passed his lunch time.
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